


Capricalicious

by LadyMizra



Series: Animal Husbandry [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers on a farm, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Farm battle!, Goats are cute you motherfucker shut up and read, Magic-Users, My Mary-Sue is a goat, Not-a-Stargate, Unrequited Crush, Yes a goat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 00:32:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5846977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMizra/pseuds/LadyMizra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When intruders descend upon Bonnabel's farm, the Avengers come to the rescue, but will they be enough? And who is this beautiful golden horned man that she can't keep her eyes off?</p><p>Original Prompt: http://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/138102269117/imagine-loki-in-full-regalia-including-his</p>
            </blockquote>





	Capricalicious

**Author's Note:**

> I had way too much fun writing this, apparently all I can ever write is crack. Please enjoy, and thank Tumblr for being such an awesome weird place. <3
> 
> (PS. If this gets enough love I might turn it into a series)

Something was amiss at the McGregor farm; Bonnabel could sense it in her bones. She had known something was wrong since last night, when she heard several strangled screams from inside the house. The voice they came from was recognizable; they had to have come from Farmer Ben. It wasn't as if this was the first time she had heard him scream, but these sounded far more terrifying than when he slammed a hammer on his thumb. These screams were more desperate, and came without any sense of control. A chill settled deep in Bonnabel's flesh, but somehow she managed to go back to sleep when the quiet night resumed. Her sleep was uneasy, though, and full of dark unremembered dreams.

When morning came, Bonnabel waited with the rest of them in the darkness of the barn, waiting for Farmer Ben to come open the door. He usually came at the first break of day, but as time passed, and the slivers of light above and beneath the door grew brighter, she decided she would have to open the door herself. She had mastered the art of flipping the latch over with her tongue long ago, and it was just as easy today as it was any other. She turned to see if anyone else was going to join her outside, but the others didn't budge. She knew they were still startled from last night, and none of them wanted to risk going out when there was a possibility of danger. But Bonnabel knew they couldn't wait forever, and so once the door was open she pushed herself out into the warm summer morning.

Her ears stood and a sense of dread welled up in her stomach as she scanned her domain. Several black SUVS were parked outside the house, and a truck that hauled a large trailer. In the center of the pasture there was a tall, ring shaped object, taller than the barn, and six podiums encircling it. Bonnabel huffed, irritated at herself that she had slept through all this being assembled. If it weren't for the nightly screams, though, she would have assumed the ring was some new (if impractical) toy for her to chew on. Farmer Ben was no where to be seen, and neither was anyone else. Where were the people who had set all this up?

After quickly swallowing her fear, she idly trotted over to the ring, trying to give the impression she was on a casual stroll, if anyone was watching. Her paranoia kept her alert, one eye on the house in case someone, be it Farmer Ben or the Tall Ones who drove the black vehicles decided to come out. Her curiosity was getting the better of her though, and once she was near the device, she pressed her nose all over it, then her teeth. It was stone hard, unfortunately, and while Bonnabel could eat through many things with surprising efficiency, she had a feeling she would break her teeth before she put a mark in it.

"Get that animal away from there!"

That was not Farmer Ben, and Bonnabel didn't even stop to look before dashing deeper into the pasture to duck behind a large, lone boulder (that was hers and not Hilda's no matter how much she tried to take it over while Bonnabel was trying to sunbathe).

“Stupid animals,” the same voice growled, and when she turned to peek around the rock, she saw a very tall Tall One, dressed in black and sporting a thick, well-kept beard. He had a large entourage following him, at least a dozen more dressed just as darkly. Bonnabel couldn't make out what they were saying once their leader stopped shouting, but as they assembled, two or three at each podium, she thought she heard the words' ritual', 'army' and 'magic.' She had never delved into the dark arts herself (though she realized Hilda had when a baleful cry from her made Bonnabel dive head first into a deep mud patch), but she knew them when she saw them. The bearded man and five of his crew started moving their fingers along the podiums, making transparent images appear in the air above them. The ring started to vibrate with a nasty shrill hum that made Bonnabel want to bury her head in the earth.

She was glad to have the rock to hide behind, and she nervously took a bite of grass to try and calm her nerves. The ring stopped moving, but when it did it gave a thunderous bang. Colored light shimmer over the empty space inside the ring, like a rainbow hidden in the oil stains Farmer Ben's tractor occasionally left behind in the dirt. Dark magic indeed. Some of the Tall Ones were chanting, but Bonnabel was suddenly sidetracked by another noise. It was faint at first, and she knew it sounded familiar, but she couldn't pinpoint it until she looked up and saw it for herself. It was a red and gold helicopter, headed straight for them, and after she noticed it the Tall Ones in black started to shout, scrambling this way to get into defensive positions. "Its the Avengers!"

They reached for their weapons: swords and flails concealed by their coats, which was not at all the guns that Bonnabel expected. Their leader, however, simply lifted up one of his hands as a ball of gold and orange light formed between his fingers. Four figures lept from the helicopter, just in time to miss the magical orb being flung towards them. It sliced through the hull of the helicopter, making it careen towards the house and smash into the house, setting it ablaze with a powerful explosion. Bonnabel was too shocked to feel much about it.

The new arrivals looked very strange. The first man seemed to be able to fly, and was covered from head to toe in gold and red metal (It looked rather delicious but Bonnabel chided herself for feeling hungry at a time like this). The second man wore red, white and blue, like the flag Farmer Ben had on his once porch, and carried a large round shield. The third man was big and blonde, wearing silver metal and wielding a dangerous looking hammer. The final man, however...

Bonnabel did not have crushes, did not fall prey to the ridiculous infatuations the other females of the farm engaged in so often. But she had always had a weakness for large, well cared for horns, and this Tall One... he had the longest and most beautiful golden horns she had ever seen. His clothing was gold and green, his hair dark and his skin fair, but Bonnabel could not keep her eyes off those impressive horns. She felt as giddy as a kid developing their first crush, despite how ridiculous she knew that feeling must be. 

But she was overcome by uneasiness as the situation progressed. Back at the house a couple more Tall Ones were fleeing the wreckage and running for their lives, away from the farm. They were ignored by all. The flag colored man stepped forward first, gripping his shield with an angry, righteous determination. "Its over, Magister. Give yourself up, before anyone else gets hurt."

Before the Magister could respond the metal man spoke, his voice giving the impression that Bonnabel was hearing him from Farmer Ben's truck radio. "In other words, surrender, and we won't beat you into a bloody pulp. Thor is good at that." The blond man grinned, but the beautiful horned one simply scowled and rolled his eyes.

"You speak as if you have the upper hand, Captain." The Magister spoke the title as if it were an insult, his thin lips curved in a sharp smile. "But as you can see, you're outnumbered. And you're already too late. The portal is open, and all I have to do is speak the incantation, and the armies of Hell will rise forth-"

"It isn't Hell, you dullard." When the horned man spoke his voice was smooth and melodious. Bonnabel's heart fluttered and she had to kick herself to keep her thoughts from running away from her. "Its an ancient alien race, mindless, and more deadly than you can imagine. Your pathetic excuse for magic won't be able to control them."

"You aren't one to speak, Loki, a god who wasn't able to conquer this planet with an army at this side. You were stopped by the very same people you now work with. Your loyalties are as weak as you are."

Loki tried to surge forward, fury overwhelming his features, but Thor grabbed his shoulder, whispering an urgent word.

The Magister continued. "Oh, by all means, let him try and attack me. I see no reason to let this posturing drag on." On that cue, his men attacked. Bonnabel found herself hiding her face against the boulder, paralyzed with fear, but she couldn't block out the sound of flesh against flesh, metal against metal, and the strange screeching sound that the Magister's energy balls made as they flew through the air.

Farmer Ben must be dead, Bonnabel thought.. It explained the screams, it explained why he never came to open the barn door. And if he wouldn't come out even as the house was burning down.... he wasn't going to come out at all. She didn't really understand what was going on, but she knew it was something evil. She didn't throw that word around lightly, even on her worst days she couldn't call Hilda and her companions evil, even she sometimes wished Farmer Ben would put her on the barbeque. She worried, because the odds had to be against the four that had come to stop the Magister just in numbers alone. While she usually didn't care for the squabbling of the Tall folk, she had become personally invested. The Magister was a threat to the farm, a threat to her. And of course, a threat to the beautiful horned male that had captured her attention more than any of her own kind.

Once the sounds of battle died down, Bonnabel lifted her head, and was devastated with what she saw. The metal man was still, face first in what was either mud or cow manure. The Captain was lying on his back, likely as unconscious as the former, with his legs trapped underneath what appeared to be a broken half of one of the black podiums. And Thor was trapped in a translucent gold-orange bubble, furiously banging his hammer against it in a futile attempt to escape. But the Magister's men were down as well, leaving Loki and him on opposite ends of the mess, staring each other down. It was a small comfort to Bonnabel that he was okay, but for how much longer?

"It looks like its just you and me, little god. I'm glad it came down to us. I've been waiting to test my magic against someone like you." Despite the state of his team, the Magister hadn't lost a lick of arrogance.

"I thought you said I was weak," the horned god hissed, spinning an orb of green energy in his palm. He too, had not lost his fury and his confidence despite his comrades' condition.

"Oh, indeed you are," the Magister said, smiling a sliver grin.. "But there aren't many sorcerers on this planet to test my magic against, so you'll have to do."

Loki threw the orb, his whole body moving with his rage as if a vast well of pent up energy bubbled beneath his skin.

The Magister sidestepped with ease and laughed. "I can see why you were so easily defeated. For one that is supposed to be so conniving, you are rather brash in battle. What I don't understand is why you are cooperating with these vermin." He gestured to the two unconscious men, then the bubbled one. "They are your enemies."

Loki was preparing another attack, even as they spoke, his eyes never wavering from his opponent. "Its not exactly my first choice of employment. But its better than one of SHIELD's cells. Or one of Asgard's." He hesitates only a moment before throwing another green orb.

This time the Magister ducked, but still, he made no aggressive moves of his own. Bonnabel's hopes lower at this second disappointment. "You've missed your mark again. I'm surprised the Avengers have let you become such a sluggard, or is it on purpose to make sure you never move against them again?"

"Enough!" Loki shouted, stabbing a finger at the Magister threateningly. "What do you honestly hope to accomplish? Even if you manage to summon an army, you will never be able to control it. The Gen'hasai are ancient, and every day of every eon they've been trapped, they grown more furious. They will destroy everything, including you."

"You call them aliens, I call them demons, just as some used to call you a god. You think my magic is weak, but you know nothing of the power of this planet, or this place. We're standing at the site of an ancient battle, one that took place long before man began to walk on two feet instead of four. Whatever is buried beneath this little farm has endowed me with power tenfold what I had before. I know how to tap into it, and you do not.. Hell will do my bidding, and I will conquer this planet, and bring forth a glorious new age. Blood and fire will pave the way to true peace."

So that explained it, Bonnabel thought, stamping her hooves against the ground in distaste. The Tall Ones all were drawn to power, assuming they were better than everyone else, assuming if they had control everything would be better. Farmer Ben had provided for her, and the rest of the farm, but he was no exception to this rule. He would yell the same words, "stupid animal", and keep them fenced and caged. He assumed they were mindless, just like all the Tall Ones did. And though Bonnabel had wanted to, she never used the power that flowed through their home, vibrating in the air, the trees, the grass. She often fantasized about it though, of joining the huddle that met every day in the northwest corner of the pasture, quietly practicing their arts and dreaming of a day when they would overthrow Farmer Ben and take control of the farm. Granted, that was never going to happen, as the majority of them were against the idea, but it didn't stop Hilda from occasionally using her gifts to mess with Farmer Ben, making him trip, making things disappear, making him see things that weren't there. Bonnabel was amused with this (at least Hilda's irritations weren't directed at her), but she often worried that someday their farmer would be driven mad.

But Farmer Ben was gone now, and the farm was in jeopardy. Whatever this Magister was doing, was certainly not good. An alien army and world domination could not bode well for Bonnabel, and she wondered if these Gen'hasai ate her kind. But what could she do, except place her hope in this strange horned man? If he couldn't stop him, well... She didn't know what she would do.

Loki's face was contorted in disgust, and he started to step forward. "I'm done talking." He took a few more steps, and then he was a blur, hurling himself at the Magister. The two collided, their palms aglow with magic, and sparks flew through the air as they blocked each other's attacks.

The fight was hard to follow, everything happened so fast, and Bonnabel's stomach was in knots. She took a small bite of grass while she watched, hoping that would help. It didn't. She couldn't tell who had the upper hand, but Loki's green orbs were still missing, flying through the air to hit the ground, or occasionally the ring itself. 

"You can't even hit me when you're this close?" The Magister taunted Loki with a gleeful half-mad look in his eyes. Regardless of his verbal jabs, Loki was able to hit him, with his fists, not his magic, and the Magister was already developing a dark bruise on his chin. This sent him into a teeth gnashing rage, and after that Bonnabel couldn't see at all what was happening, as they moved faster than anyone ever aught to.

But it couldn't last forever, and Bonnabel inched forward with alarm as Loki was forced onto his back. The Magister's boot crushed agaist his chest and his hand was outstretched threateningly, daring him to move. "Its over. And far too soon, I'm disappointed we couldn't have more fun." The Magister brandished a long knife from a hidden sheath behind him. "Unfortunately I have an army to summon, and I can't have you and your friends around to get in my way." A slimy sneer slid across the Magister's face as he leaned in for the kill. "See you in Hell."

Bonnabel's mind repeated a desperate 'no' over and over, as time seemed to slow down to stretch the agonizing moment out for all the pain it was worth. She knew she didn't know him, but her gut told her she cared, that she couldn't let this polished piece of crap kill the beautiful horned hero. And it wasn't just that. This was her home, her farm. This intruder killed her farmer, destroyed his house, desecrated her pasture with his nasty, inedible equipment, and if he would kill these strange superheroes, then it was likely he'd kill her, and the rest of the farm too. She wasn't sure where it came from, but her outrage was building, the same outrage she felt when Farmer Ben shooed her and whacked her with a broom when he caught her jumping over the fence (she got him back though, by headbutting and breaking the tail lights of his car in the middle of the night). That anger overwhelmed her fear, and with a soft call of determination, she dashed out from behind the rock towards the Magister, and dug her teeth into his ankle.

The Magister didn't even notice Bonnabel until she bit him, but Loki did, and she caught the brief baffled widening of his eyes. The Magister yowled in pain, and took a few hurried steps back, releasing Loki's chest as he tried to shake her off. But Bonnabel was not going to be so easily shaken, and while he managed to break free for a moment, she lunged at him again, tearing off the bottom cuff of his pants.

But after the initial shock wore off, he stopped trying to kick Bonnabel away, and instead reached down and grabbed her by one of her legs. She barely managed to utter a terrified bleat before he threw her hard, back towards the barn. "You filthy fucking animal!"

Bonnabel cried out in pain as she hit the dirt, her leg already broken from the force of the toss. She wasn't sure if anything else was broken, but her eyes watered, and the pain made it hard to breathe. What a fool she was, she thought, thinking she could go up against a Tall One, and a supervillain at that. She was going to die, they all were going to die, she hadn't made a difference...

No, she had made a difference. Loki was no longer on the ground, Loki had scrambled back, away from the Magister while he had been busy with her. And in his hand, a green orb of power grew, one bigger than any he had cast before. Before the Magister could react, the horned god threw it, hitting the ring at the center of its base.

"What?... You can't even hit me when I'm distracted, little god." The Magister started to laugh, so beside himself with arrogance he had to steady himself with a hand to his stomach. Loki however, continued to step back.

"I wasn't aiming at you," he said, and though he appeared weary, he managed a smirk. "Do you honestly think I would take someone like you seriously? While you were busy ducking and dodging me, I was cutting through the base of your circle." The Magister paused, his mouth parted in a confused 'o', but Loki's smile widened as he gestured to the ring behind him. "My last blast? Sliced through the last component that was holding it up."

Bonnabel watched, and though the pain made it hard to keep her eyes open, she felt a satisfying surge of justice as the Magister turned around, horror written on his face. The ring creaked, tipping forward off its base, and he tried to step out of the way, but it was too late. The last that was heard from him was an blood-curdling scream as the ring fell over him, swallowing him up with his own portal. Seconds later, the oily sheen flickered, and dimmed out entirely. 

It was hard to say what happened next, because exhaustion was taking over for Bonnabel, and her eyes were forcing themselves shut. She could hear voices, presumably Loki's companions as they were freed and woken. The voices sounded so far away , and even though she was afraid she was going to die, she didn't think she was going to be able to stop herself from going unconscious.

She didn't find sleep, however, as minutes later it felt like a bright light was filling her body, her pain melting away as a soft voice murmured above her. When she opened her eyes, Loki was crouched beside her, and since her eyes were still watery the light blurred around him like a halo. He had healed her.

"Loki what are you doing?" the metal man asked, as he and the others joined Loki, looking weary, but pleased. The metal man has removed his face plate, so his voice didn't sound funny anymore.

"It saved his life," Thor answered, a particularly solemn expression crossing his features. "If it had not attacked the Magister when it did, we'd all be dead. It gave Loki enough time to land the finishing blow."

"You're joking, right?" the last one said, sliding his shield on his back as he limped over to them. "The goat saved our lives?"

Bonnabel was overcome with emotion, and though she felt an initial foolishness, once she got to her feet she flung herself at her savior, rubbing her side along his stomach. Perhaps it was just the shock of the whole situation, or just a silly infatuation with those beautiful damned horns, but she felt a connection with him like she had never felt with anyone. Before she could even impede her thoughts, she was swearing to herself to never leave his side. Her rational self stood off on the sidelines and shook its head in shame.

Before she knew it, she was scooped up in Loki's arms, and held gently against his chest. Bonnabel could admit that he didn't have the sort of adoring expression she hoped for, but what was there, was a flick of a switch, a decision being confidently made. "We should call SHIELD. We aren't going anywhere in that," he said, dipping his head towards the remnant of the helicopter in the blazing house. He turned and started walking towards it.

"Wait, you aren't taking it with you?" The metal man turned to follow, pointing at finger at him as he said firmly, "We are not keeping a goat at the tower."

"She is coming with us. And I can keep whatever I want in my quarters. Natasha has a pet." Loki didn't even turn his head to look at him, self-assuredness keeping his gaze straight ahead. Bonnabel's head swiveled back and forth as she tried to keep up with the conversation.

"Natasha has a cat, not a goat! Its a farm animal, you can't keep in the city, let alone my tower."

"I don't see what's so unusual, we allowed such animals in our halls in Asgard," Thor countered. "The goat did save his life. If it were not an animal, Loki would owe her a life debt."

The metal man ran his hands over the top of his head, and exclaimed, "For crying out loud!"

"Its not just your tower anymore," the Captain said in a much calmer tone. "This isn't worth fighting over. Just let him have the damn goat, Tony."

The conversation continued with increasingly louder words, at least on Tony's part, and Bonnabel's ears went down as he said goats were 'dirty, smelly, and a health hazard.' She knew she would be chewing through his belongings, later.

And no, she didn't doubt that she would be going with them, because it was clear Loki didn't doubt it. He said barely a word, and kept his grip firm around her in a protective manner. And the other Tall Ones seemed to disagree with Tony, the metal man, so what was there to be concerned about?

She trusted Loki. She barely knew him, but she knew she could trust him, and part of her felt like she had known that from the beginning. She had always had a good intuition, one that often bordered on premonition. I'm going to be safe, she thought. I'm going to be alright.

They did all argue for quite awhile longer as they waited for SHIELD to send support. It was a full thirty minutes before the helicopters arrived, and the Captain (revealed to Bonnabel to be called Steve) made a passing comment that, "We should have just told SHIELD where we were going so we had backup." Tony muttered that SHIELD would have just nuked the place first and that was the end of the conversation.

By the time they got in a helicopter (Loki receiving plenty of odd looks because of his goat), Bonnabel's exhaustion was coming back full force. It had been a long morning, and while she had been healed, that hadn't returned all of her energy. Once Loki was seated, and Bonnabel was settled in his lap, she closed her eyes and started to gnaw on his sleeve.

It occurred to her that she would likely never see the rest of those at the farm again, but it didn't bother her as much as it should. Deep down she had to admit she never felt like she was one of them, like she was an anomaly, a dreamer who despite her best efforts remained the most stubborn realist of the group. Sure, she had dreamt of a life beyond the farm, but she had never in all her imaginings thought it could come true.

But it was coming true, and despite all the uncertainty, she felt content to let things play out as they were. This tower might not be so bad, and if she was with Loki, she knew she was alright. She didn't have to save his life, and he didn't have to save hers. But he did.

The inside of the helicopter was even louder than outside, but the noise seemed as pleasant and calming as the wind on a summer's night. As Bonnabel drifted off to sleep she imagined she was back in the barn on one of those nights, but instead of being embraced by the prickly needles of hay, it was Loki's arms that held her, that kept her safe. She could almost imagine what it would be like if he kissed her head, but the image quickly faded as embarassment and unconsciousness took over, and she entered the realm of dreams.

And dreams were far better than any of Bonnabel's imaginings.


End file.
